My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
We're using joints as your birthday candles
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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