Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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