$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
My sheets look like a crime scene.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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