Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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