I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
i barfeds in our rink
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
