Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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