my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
