So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
