the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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