She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
