That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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