In the future we'll all be gay
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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