If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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