her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
