Just fell off a train. Bad.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
sex in a hospital.. check
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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