Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I checked into jail on foursquare
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
