Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
