Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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