the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
