and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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