I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
