What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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