Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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