Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Randomize
