so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
