If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Randomize
