there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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