I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
