took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
