1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
