if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
