I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
