You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
