So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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