I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
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