remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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