I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Come share oat with me in your robe
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
