Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
