Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
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