Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Randomize
