Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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