It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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