Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
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