I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
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