Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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