I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
