I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Randomize
