The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
