i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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