You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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