I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Randomize
