HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
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