You're completely useless in the revolution.
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
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