i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize