hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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