Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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