My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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