He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize