it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
