I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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