New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
