I need to stop coming to work sober
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
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